The Codger

I have decided to become a Cranky Old Man. And I don't mean in the future, I mean now. I may be in my mid-twenties, but I feel like an 80 year-old man who's just had enough of the bullshit. It would be so much easier to get through life without going to the trouble of being a decent human creature.

Seriously, I feel trapped in my little office from Hell and I want to be free but people keep giving me more and more shit to do that they haven't trained me how to do yet, and it makes me want to start yelling obscenities at everyone who walks by and demand they change my bedpan.

And get me my damn lemon candies!!!

(Rant over.)

One for the Nerds!

For many, Obama's ascension to the Oval Office was history-making because of his ethnic background, which I agree is a huge step forward in the evolution of the country, but the color of his skin really is an afterthought for me, as I truly do share most of his political views. That said, what really gets me pumped is that we now have a leader in office who is also a full-fledged nerd. How so? He collects Spider-Man and Conan the Barbarian comics.

Awesome.

Now, even before the Democratic and Republican primaries, the Comic community rallied around Obama. See, we nerds might be awkward and shunned by society, but, for the most part, we're level-headed and open-minded, and a lot of that comes from the comics we were raised on.We learned about tolerence from the X-Men and justice from Batman. Spider-Man gave us tales about the importance of responsibility, while Superman taught us about the American Dream. All of these traits are integral to how we see the American way of life, and these are traits we believe our new Commander-in-Chief possesses.

I've never met the President, nor have I met his parents or anyone who helped raise him, but in a way, I feel we have some of the same teachers and we've learned some of the same lessons. So naturally when I heard a fellow nerd was getting his chance to not only be featured in a Marvel comic, but also team-up with Spidey, I was ecstatic! I realize being President of the United States is a huge deal, but I can only imagine the personal joy that came from meeting another American icon, even if that icon is fictional.

So here's to the beginning of what I hope turns into a terrific term in office and a renewed American spirit.

New Year's Part 2: Revenge of the Resolutions!!

This year, I’ve decided against making a New Year’s Resolution. Instead, I intend to make several. Sometimes when people don’t follow through on their resolution, they’re like “Fuck it. I’m gonna eat me some whip-cream covered chili and try to lose the weight next year…” I find that if I should fail one resolution, I still have others to fall back on and maybe I won’t beat myself up as much. Why put all my eggs in one theoretical basket if I don’t have to. That basket can go to hell! Besides, I do fairly well at multitasking so why not?

1. I really want to get in shape. See that? I wrote “want” instead of “need”. Progress already! If there’s one thing every movie based on sports has taught me, it’s that you gotta want it, and I do. I’ll be “getting-my-wedding-on” next year, so now’s a good time to start getting into shape.

2. Be more creative. This was actually my resolution for last year. I didn’t really get as many projects out there as I would’ve liked to, but there were a few things where I look back on it and kind of go “wow”. This year, I plan on doing more. A whole lot more. And I’ve already started off with quite a few new tasks which should keep me busy for quite some time. This should be good, as I’m usually more at peace with myself the busier I am creatively. Also, this year I’m prepared to fail. Last year, I kind of petrified myself into a real non-creative place by being afraid to create something that’s shit. I’ve since learned, however, that it’s better to create shit and learn from it, than create nothing at all. Deep…

3. Be more accepting of other people’s opinions. I’m pretty laid back in my approach to life, though there are things that people say that I might let get under my skin, and frankly, most of it's pretty stupid and causes myself unwarranted stress. Example: This girl I've recently met just so happens to have grown up in the same town I did. She loves the place, while I moved away as soon as I graduated High School to get away from it. We got to talking about it a little bit, and I immediately started hating on the whole town. I’m not sure if she was offended or not, as I was so blinded by my rage. I just kept going on and on why I hated the place. I never really stopped to consider her feelings towards our hometown, and really take in why she likes it. Now I feel like an asshole about the whole thing. I’ve learned my lesson, though, and will take other’s views into consideration before jumping into a diatribe about something. Especially when it comes to arts and entertainment. I feel like I’ve painted my self into a corner a bit, as some people think I only value metal as musical genre and comics as a storytelling vehicle, which isn’t really true. I truly believe art is subjective and, even though I might not get what someone likes, that doesn’t make it bad, just like they may not dig something I'm into. They get enjoyment from it and that’s really all that matters. The more happy people on Earth, the better.

4. Take better care of my vehicle. I’ve really been lax on my vehicle maintenance. She’s getting old, and that means she might kick the bucket sooner than later if I’m not careful. She’s been a good car and it’s time I started putting a little TLC for her in my routine. She may not be perfect, but neither am I. I mean, we all have our flaws, right? Plus, I hear cars are expensive to replace. Like, more than twenty bucks or something…

5. Get my fiancé to read comics. I’ve had her read a few comics here and there, but she hasn’t really read anything she was excited about or really made her think. The only comics she read willingly were the few Ghost Whisperer comics I bought her, and that’s only because they were tied to a TV series she already watches. I’ve really been researching indy comics to find stuff she might like (non-superhero, with compelling characters) and have stumbled upon a few things. Only time will tell. This is a big part of my life that I feel like I'm failing to properly share with her, but I'm determined! I have a feeling this will be the hardest resolution of all…

6. Be better educated about politics. There are so many big issues out there right now, that I really need to pay close attention so I can make sure I’m making the right decisions for myself and forming my opinions properly. My fiancé isn’t really into politics, but from time to time she will ask me why I feel a certain way about something. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes…not so much. It’s not always easy for me to articulate why I feel a certain way about a political issue, and it’s even more difficult to present straight facts about politics without throwing my two cents in. Telling someone to “Just do the opposite of what Bill O’Reilly or Ann Coulter says” isn’t really enough for most people…unfortunately.

This is a good portion of my resolutions for 2009, or at least the big ones. What about you? Have you made any resolutions for this year? Regardless, I hope your year is as awesome as I’m determined to make mine!

New Year's Part 1

What is it about New Year’s that gets everyone worked up in a tizzy about the upcoming year being so much better than the previous one? As if 2008 was so bad that 2009 needs to promptly show it’s face to save us from our dark, meaningless existence. For the most part, we felt the same way transitioning from 2007 to 2008. So it seems every year’s end tends to be viewed through very glass-half-empty goggles. I usually consider myself an optimist, though that doesn’t mean I don’t have my bad days when I just want reality to forget I exist, so I can understand the desire to wipe the slate clean and start over. There’s an energy—a magic—to it. And believe it or not, that magic does indeed last all year. I realize Thanksgiving had moved along months ago, but allow me to share some things I’m thankful that 2008 brought me:

• I became engaged to a woman who not only loves me to death, but somehow simultaneously tolerates me.


• We moved into a new place that we both really like.


• I chose my best friend, Ross, to be my Best Man. We don’t get to speak as often as I’d like to, but when we do, not only does he get every inside joke I say, but he makes me laugh hard enough to throw-up and piss myself at the same time. If that doesn't qualify you to be Best Man, I don't know what does.
  
• My other best friend, Trey. Thanks for your friendship and for letting me be apart of your wedding last year, despite my, as you put it, “unfortunate brown-ness”. I’ll try to work on that for you. Stay safe fighting for us and come home soon (you have a lot of comics to catch up on!).


• I made new friends that The Missus loves just as much as I do. You all are an incredible group of people. Thank you for your acceptance after knowing us for such a short while. Also, we enjoy your food.


• I waited four years for the new Slipknot album. Thank God it was awesome!


• Our cat, Summer, doesn’t wake us up on weekends nearly as early as she used to so we can feed her fat ass. Our other cat, Roxy, doesn’t throw-up as much as she used to. (This could be due to Summer eating all of her food, now that I think about it…)


• Pepper the dog. You were a real bright spot during the last five years. We miss you, girl.


• Barack Obama, for inspiring a nation, making history, and most of all, for seeing Dubya out of the office. I know you’re not a miracle worker, but I'm willing to put in the effort if you are. Let’s do this!


• Heath Ledger, dude, the Joker was a godsend. Tell them I said thanks. RIP.


• I got a few new people to read some comics. It’s my favorite form of entertainment, so it’s nice to be able to share it with others, even if they don’t stick with it.


• I still have a steady job. Hell, I even got a raise.


• My chiropractor helped me stop having so many migraines, though I should probably go more often.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. I’m sure if you thought about it, you’d see how good 2008 was for you, too.

Next: The Resolutions!

Grimace: True Hollywood Story

Let me preface this blog by stating that anyone who knows me, knows that my mind works in a completely random manner. That said, I was sitting here thinking about Grimace, one of the McDonald's characters used to dominate the minds and souls of children everywhere, when it hit me that Grimace is the most useless character ever. First of all, his name is "Grimace", which means "a facial expression, often ugly or contorted, that indicates disapproval, pain, etc." Really? You want to name a fast-food mascot after a mannerism that expresses pain? Wow, the balls on McDonald's Corporation...


Secondly, Grimace doesn't look like anything. Just a weird, purple, triangle thing with a face. A NON-GRIMACING face, even. What the fuck. Was the Mascot Suit Emporium having a going out of business sale? Did you get there late, McDonald's? I guess he kind of looks like a hashbrown, so why not just call him "Purple McHashbrowns"? Better than fucking "Grimace"!

So I did a little research, and as it turns out, McDonald's had it 100% right. I happened upon a picture that perfectly explains this violet abomination and all he stands for...

Lesson? "Fuck ye not with thine Grimace, less he devour yon youth-child!"

'Tis the Season...

"Happy Holidays."

To the average, sane human being, this is a perfectly normal well-wishing phrase, but to a certain group of people, this is a sign of the apocalypse. They want to hear “Merry Christmas”, dammit! God forbid someone doesn’t acknowledge their specific religion, and worse, how dare someone say that other religions are just as viable theirs!

We all know someone like this, whether it be friends, family, or co-workers, and it seems every year, we have hear the same speech about how “I don’t say ‘Happy Holidays’! By God, I say ‘Merry Christmas’!” and then, like, one other person claps in support of what this troglodyte says, and you immediately know who to eat should cannibalism come back into fashion.

What’s worse, these people claim to have the so-called Holiday Spirit. Really? By excluding millions of people? What the fuck?! That’s like a Rabbi high-fiving Hitler. It spits in the face of sanity, then asks it for twenty bucks.

You see, there’s more than one religion in the world, and quite a few of them have important holidays during this time of year. It’s not like you can just look at someone and know what religion they are. So to cover all bases, people say “Happy Holidays”. It’s like saying “Have a good day, and also I recognize that it’s the holiday season, so well-wishings to you, whatever your belief system may be.” Whereas some people choose to hear it as “Jesus was just a carpenter. Also, go fuck yourself!” As you can see these are two violently different interpretations.

In closing, I’d like to ask that, should you find him, think twice before wishing Jesus a “Merry Christmas”…because he’s totally Jewish.

Mozal tov!