Grimace: True Hollywood Story

Let me preface this blog by stating that anyone who knows me, knows that my mind works in a completely random manner. That said, I was sitting here thinking about Grimace, one of the McDonald's characters used to dominate the minds and souls of children everywhere, when it hit me that Grimace is the most useless character ever. First of all, his name is "Grimace", which means "a facial expression, often ugly or contorted, that indicates disapproval, pain, etc." Really? You want to name a fast-food mascot after a mannerism that expresses pain? Wow, the balls on McDonald's Corporation...


Secondly, Grimace doesn't look like anything. Just a weird, purple, triangle thing with a face. A NON-GRIMACING face, even. What the fuck. Was the Mascot Suit Emporium having a going out of business sale? Did you get there late, McDonald's? I guess he kind of looks like a hashbrown, so why not just call him "Purple McHashbrowns"? Better than fucking "Grimace"!

So I did a little research, and as it turns out, McDonald's had it 100% right. I happened upon a picture that perfectly explains this violet abomination and all he stands for...

Lesson? "Fuck ye not with thine Grimace, less he devour yon youth-child!"

'Tis the Season...

"Happy Holidays."

To the average, sane human being, this is a perfectly normal well-wishing phrase, but to a certain group of people, this is a sign of the apocalypse. They want to hear “Merry Christmas”, dammit! God forbid someone doesn’t acknowledge their specific religion, and worse, how dare someone say that other religions are just as viable theirs!

We all know someone like this, whether it be friends, family, or co-workers, and it seems every year, we have hear the same speech about how “I don’t say ‘Happy Holidays’! By God, I say ‘Merry Christmas’!” and then, like, one other person claps in support of what this troglodyte says, and you immediately know who to eat should cannibalism come back into fashion.

What’s worse, these people claim to have the so-called Holiday Spirit. Really? By excluding millions of people? What the fuck?! That’s like a Rabbi high-fiving Hitler. It spits in the face of sanity, then asks it for twenty bucks.

You see, there’s more than one religion in the world, and quite a few of them have important holidays during this time of year. It’s not like you can just look at someone and know what religion they are. So to cover all bases, people say “Happy Holidays”. It’s like saying “Have a good day, and also I recognize that it’s the holiday season, so well-wishings to you, whatever your belief system may be.” Whereas some people choose to hear it as “Jesus was just a carpenter. Also, go fuck yourself!” As you can see these are two violently different interpretations.

In closing, I’d like to ask that, should you find him, think twice before wishing Jesus a “Merry Christmas”…because he’s totally Jewish.

Mozal tov!